IN THE BUF: OH, WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE HAVE

 

“Sweetheart…do these jeans make my butt look big?
Seriously, you can tell me the truth.”

I didn’t notice his initial response to my question as I
was too busy investigating my buttocks in the full length
mirror at a localboutique. Silence seemed to fill the room
for a long moment as if we were conducting a deep investigation,
contemplating the authenticity of an old, rare dinosaur
fossil in the Himalayan Mountains.

“Well?” I said looking away from my rear end directly into his
eyes. The poor man looked petrified as if he were being set up
by the devil himself. In retrospect, at the time it was a truly
innocent question. I was really not setting him up to fail. But
looking back, I realized it was the first time that I did not want
him to be brutally honest with me. Based on the panic and sweet
compassion on his face, his expression said it all. Besides, I was
looking at the exact same thing that he was, and those jeans did not
look good on it.

Being strangely old fashioned on the one hand, sprinkled with substantial
feminism on the other, I have found relationships to be extraordinarily
dichotomous as I understand the merit of both sides. Being a healthy,
successful woman, I can certainly open my own car door. I can purchase my
own car for that matter. Hell, I can own my own car dealership and employ individuals
to make car doors if I wish! But I must admit, it sure did feel yummy to
have my Mister Man care enough about the old fashioned laws of love to open
my car door. OPEN HER DOOR,GUYS.

But we are all diverse, which makes this a fascinating world. Many women
believe that they must deeply resent the man who does not remember to open
the door and secretly hope he loses all of his hair if he doesn’t.

I say: If having a partner that opens the door is important to you, then
kiss him on the… forehead. He will always open your door. If you, however,
find it insulting that your partner opens the door for you, do not kiss
them on the… forehead, do not thank him and make tragic jokes at his expense
over too much wine in front of his boss. He will never open your door again.

We must learn how to communicate our needs. “Opening the car door” is not
nearly as sensitive as “Who’s going to pick up the check?” AWKWARD.
Bon-Bon, my dearest girlfriend informed me that she went on a date with
a very successful lawyer. They each had a cup of coffee and he required
that they split the bill. What?

We have so many of these small but huge situations in relationships that
we must learn about our partners along the way. But at some point, we find
ourselves trying on a new pair of blue jeans in front of our partner after
knowingly sporting a few and perhaps a lot of unwanted lbs.

Bottom line ladies, if he really, really loves you—more than likely, even
if you force him to admit your butt looks big in those jeans—he still thinks
you hung the moon. And I learned that the best way that day while shopping
with my guy. “It’s not the jeans that make you beautiful Buf” Mister Man said.

I threw the jeans on a large pile of clothing that apparently didn’t look
perfect on all of the others before me. Together we walked arm and arm through
the store shopping for other items. We couldn’t help notice a young, toned,
seemingly perfect girl walk out of the dressing room with her adorable guy who
was wearing everything UK sitting in that same chair waiting on her.

God, I hated her. Until…“Honey, do these jeans make my butt look big?” she said…

Posted on 2012-04-01 by Buffy Lawson
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