SPORTS: NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS THAT WILL HAPPEN BECAUSE I SAY SO

 

By Drew Johnson
And a Happy New Year’s to you, Big Blue Nation! Was Santa good to you? Were you naughty or nice? Too much egg nog? Oh, not enough, you say? Here is hoping you remedied that with a raucous time on New Year’s Eve. Don’t worry. That video won’t be posted to the internet any time soon. But I have to give you two thumbs up for that intoxicated interpretation of “Happy” you performed on Broadway after the ball dropped. No one will ever doubt your balance abilities ever again. If only the world knew. Top notch! 
Suffice to say, it is going to be a BIG 2015 for all things Kentucky Wildcats. So many possibilities. So much awesome-sauce potential. So much potential celebrating. So many couches ready to be burned. Here are my New Year’s Resolutions That Will Happen Because I Say So. 
First and foremost, a speedy recovery to The Beast, our own Alex Poythress. You’ll be back jumping over seven footers in no time. You’re one of the best kids to don the blue and white in some time. 
Damien Harris will sign with UK. Alabama fans will get angrier than when Mark Stoops got Matt Elam to campus last season. Shut up, Hounds Tooth Nation. You’re more out of style than The Harlem Shake. In Stoops’ three years in Lexington, UK has signed the state’s top player each year (Jason Hatcher, Matt Elam, and Harris). 
Kentucky will not go undefeated. They will lose two games and enter March Madness at 34-2. Just like the 1996 national champs. Just like the 2012 national champs. See the trend I’m getting at here? 
The new Commonwealth Stadium will quickly make us all forget how angry some of us are about losing our seats. SEC Football is the Cadillac of the college football world. UK needs a glorious coliseum to achieve top-tier status. 
I will tone down my unreasonable hatred for Duke. 
I HATE DUKE. 
Well, I broke that one pretty quickly. 
Kentucky’s favorite unibrow, Anthony Davis, will be the NBA’s Most Valuable Player. There is an argument that Davis is the best player in Kentucky’s history, regardless of his stay in Lexington being only one year.
Random thought that makes me want to destroy the NBA: if college players had to play four years, Kentucky’s starting lineup in 2012 would have looked like this—John Wall at point guard, Brandon Knight at shooting guard, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist at small forward, the aforementioned Davis at power forward, and Demarcus Cousins at center. 
Let that thought marinate for a second.
Best starting team ever. Yep. I agree. I dare any college basketball historians to debate that. 
After putting in some serious offseason work, Patrick Towles will be Kentucky’s starting quarterback to open the season. But his margin of error is thinner than tooth floss.  Drew Barker will be nipping at his heels. 
Whomever Kentucky’s new offensive coordinator is, the offense will put up more points. Neal Brown’s system was proven during his tenure at Texas Tech. The problems he had at UK were because youth and lack of depth. That’s a bad combination for any offense. I don’t care where. 
Kentucky football’s breakout player will be Dorian Baker. He’s got the size at wide receiver and the mean streak to do some damage in the SEC. 
For the first time in human history, the NCAA will do something sane. They will declare Skal Labissiere eligible to play for Kentucky. 
Of course, shortly thereafter, the NCAA will do something inexplicably insane, like penalizing an institution for using the wrong color frosting on a birthday cake. For the record, that happened to South Carolina. I couldn’t make that up if I tried. 
North Carolina will not be punished for the biggest academic scandal in college basketball history. Whatever shreds of dignity the NCAA has left will be dust in the wind. 
The annual John Calipari to the NBA rumors will heat up after the Cleveland Cavaliers don’t make the NBA Finals. So, as of today, we are all Cavs fans! 
Year Three of the Mark Stoops Experience will land the Wildcats in a bowl for the first time since Randall Cobb was being Randall Cobb for Joker Phillips. The best recruiting in the program’s history starts coming to fruition, depth is at an all-time high, and UK brings down one of the SEC goliaths. And they beat Louisville. 
This will be our year, BBN. 


Posted on 2015-01-01 by
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