You read that right, devoted readers. At the ripe young age of 40, I somehow managed to sneak one past the goal keeper to continue the Johnson line. Baby Jake Johnson will arrive in August, kicking and screaming and being awesome for all the world to behold. I must say, I do worry for my dear, sweet wife. I was a ten pound baby. I haven’t grown much since, but still…these things tend to be hereditary.
As the title suggests, these are the important BBN and life lessons I will attempt to pass along to Baby Jake:
1. I don’t care how good your grades are: you’re not going to Duke. You’re also not going to Louisville.
2. Ed Davender is the most underrated Kentucky player of all time. Second would have to be Keith Bogans.
3. Mommy is always right.
4. Open doors for women. Help little old ladies with their groceries. Always let your girlfriend walk in front. Stand when a lady leaves the table. These things matter.
5. Pick a school and stick with them. Don’t be that guy that says “well, I like Florida State in football, but I like Kansas in basketball...”
6. Demarcus Cousins is misunderstood.
7. Your Granny makes the best fried chicken on the planet.
8. Your Aunt Carrie will literally run through a wall for you if you get in trouble.
9. Your brother Will is an expert on all things Playstation 4. Listen and learn.
10. I really hope you get my sense of humor and wit.
11. I really hope you don’t get my nose and beer gut.
12. Did I mention that Mommy is always right?
13. Cheer for Kentucky football first. Kentucky basketball will always be great (as long as Billy Gillispie 2.0 doesn’t happen...)
14. Be generous at your tailgate. Don’t mooch and don’t be cheap.
15. Bourbon is proof that God favors Kentucky.
16. Your Grandmother Johnson might squeeze you to death when you’re a baby.
17. Your Grandfather Johnson will tease you a lot. Don’t worry. That’s just his way of showing he loves you.
18. Take your hat off when indoors. It doesn’t matter how messy your hair is.
19. Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Guns N’ Roses, Led Zeppelin and U2 are required listening.
20. I don’t understand rap, so good luck with that.
21. Be sure your ring tone is the Kentucky fight song. Chicks dig that. If they don’t, they weren’t worth it anyway.
22. The 2012 national championship team would beat the 1996 national championship team. You’ll be in the minority, so have your facts ready.
23. Anthony Davis is the greatest Kentucky basketball player of all time, even though he only played one season.
24. No matter what, don’t argue to win an argument: argue to solve the conflict. There’s a big difference.
25. I once called for Mark Stoops to be fired. I apologized. I hope he’s still the head coach when you turn 18.
26. Your first beer needs to be Budweiser in a bottle. It’s a “man thing”.
27. I hope you get to see Kentucky football win an SEC Championship in your lifetime. Hell, I hope I see one, too. Maybe this will be our first father/son road trip, no ladies allowed. (Sorry, Mommy.)
28. T-Ball is the greatest sport of all time.
29. If I kept my Star Wars curtains, my Star Wars bed sheets, my Star Wars toys and my Star Wars shirts, I would give them to you.
30. Your “Not Really an Aunt” Aunt Becca is weird and she can’t drive.
31. MOMMY IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
32. Always wear Kentucky gear to any Kentucky sports function. Remember, you’re not going to prom: be comfortable and show off your blue.
33. Put the lid down after you go potty.
34. Share and help people if they need it…
35. …unless they are Duke or Louisville fans.